Saturday, March 26, 2005

The Convolutenator, man boobs, and a penis

All righty. Our tour this week begins on page 4, home of MICHAEL "THE CONVOLUTENATOR" MINER and his column "Hot Type," which I believe is supposed to have something to do with the print media in Chicago.

Thing is, every week he takes up a cause so obscure, and writes about it so confusingly, that it often takes until the very end of his turgid, meandering column to even figure out what it is that has him mildly irritated this time.

This week, as far as I can tell, he is mildly irritated that – PAY ATTENTION NOW -- the Sun Times sports desk suggested in an article that Cubs manager Dusty Baker refused to answer questions about a column in the San Francisco Chronicle that quoted an unnamed friend of Dusty who might have been the Tribune’s associate managing editor for sports who said that people in Chicago didn’t "get" Dusty because they were racist but in fact Dusty didn’t comment on the issue of race because none of the reporters at the press conference asked about race – STAY WITH ME HERE -- possibly because when the Tribune quoted 261 words of the San Francisco Chronicle column – HOLD ON! We’re ALMOST DONE! -- it left out the stuff about race and also maybe just because the reporters were scared to ask Dusty about race and in fact, Miner tells us, "I’ve heard a tape of the briefing and after Baker answered [some dude’s] last question several seconds went by in which nobody said anything."

On page 7, a PENIS.

On page 12: A "first person" story by a guy who drives a bus full of ENDEARINGLY RASCALLY OLD PEOPLE. An unpromising subject to begin with, made worse by our author’s attempts to affect a fancy prose style. Here’s his description of one lovable old coot:

"Watching his sagging breasts as they lolled about inside his teal tank top, I sensed his weariness, but the fire in his eyes gave the impression that hard living hadn’t broken him."

On page 16 we have what is perhaps the longest and MOST BORING PULL QUOTE in the history of journalism. Well, or at least in the Reader this week. Without further ado:

"What needs clarifying is where the red sneaker ended up after a burglary: where it came off will support the story of either the burglary victim or the defendant."

The quote, naturally, is BRIGHT RED. Psychologists say red is a "high arousal" color. Alas, not even flashing neon lights and loud siren noises could arouse prose this somnolent.

I pretty much skipped the rest of the issue except for a book review on page 28 which is, remarkably for the Reader, actually quite THOUGHTFUL and NICELY WRITTEN. Huh?!?

To Jen Sorenson, author of the review, I have a suggestion: STOP WASTING YOUR TALENTS ON THE READER. They DON’T DESERVE YOU. Start sending your clips to better publications, pronto. Trust me on this.

2 Comments:

Blogger spiky said...

I wonder if this is the same Jen Sorenson? (Of course, in yet another anti-writer move, the Reader doesn't publish contributor's notes. So we're left to deduce it for ourselves.)

4:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

where can i get more info?

12:20 AM  

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