Thursday, March 31, 2005

Introducing ROSENBLURBS:

While Michael “The Convolutenator” Miner is the Reader’s most reliable purveyor of suckitude, JONATHAN “THE ROSENBAUMENATOR” ROSENBAUM is surely its most masterful. Consider his contribution this week. I was hoping for an extended exegesis of GUESS WHO, but, alas, J.R. Jones beat him to it, leaving poor Rosenbaum to concentrate his attention on 3 indie documentaries, two of which are about films. So I’m reviewing a reviewer who’s reviewing films on films. Freaky, dude.

Anyhoo, this week sees our boy in fine form. Over the course of the 600 or so words of his first review, the ROSENBAUMENATOR manages to find space to offer his thoughts on the “Hyperbolic Adjectives” from reviewers that get plastered on posters and DVD boxes. Yet he somehow does not manage room to offer even a single adjective to affix to the film under review, much less a considered evaluation of its merits and flaws; the only hint we have of his opinion are The Three Little Stars he gives it.

So it got me to thinking: somewhere in some extra-hellish office in Hollywood some movie publicist flunky must be charged with extracting possible blurbs from Rosey’s mottled prose. What could I do to make this poor soul’s SAD, SISYPHEAN TASK a little easier? I could do it myself!

And so without further ado, I present ROSENBLURBS, April 1 Edition. I’ve added exclamation points here and there to “spice things up” a bit!!

“I AM CUBA, SIBERIAN MAMMOTH is a 2004 Brazilian documentary!” –Jonathan Rosenbaum, Chicago Reader

Jasmina Blazevic’s THE JOURNEY: PORTRAIT OF VERA CHYTILOVA is “frustrating and disappointing! .. None of the few clips shown is [sic] identified before the end credits!!” –Jonathan Rosenbaum, Chicago Reader

“Watching [GOLUB: LATE WORKS ARE THE CATASTROPHES] I found myself alternately grateful, dismayed and bemused! ” –Jonathan Rosenbaum, Chicago Reader

Just like I feel after reading a Rosenbaum review, except without the “grateful” part.

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