Friday, July 22, 2005

His Fart Will Go On

Miner again.

Look, I don’t mean to write about Miner every week. But what can I do? He’s like some giant journalistic piñata. A piñata who’s constantly spouting inane drivel and pompous "profundities" and who won’t ever, ever shut up. You can’t help but hit him. (Alas, what comes out of him when you do is not candy.)

So what has "Scoops" Miner farted out this week?

Part One: The ABCs of Miner’s ASS

Miner launches into a discussion of radio talk-show ideologues with a truly bizarre and incoherent lead:

"We have red states and blue states."

So far so good.

"We have the ABCs of abortion, the Bible and the so-called-Constitution-in-exile riding on a Supreme Court nomination."

Huh? I had to sit down and have a good think before I was able to figure out what he was trying to do here. See, it’s Abortion (A), Bible (B) and Constitution" (C). Ta da! ABC. To be fair, though, since Miner doesn’t refer to the constitution, per se, but the "so-called-Constitution-in-exile," shouldn’t it really be ABSCCIE?

"What’s next -- drums and bugles and another fratricidal donnybrook?"

No, because then that would be ABSCCIEDBAFD.

After this, Miner attempts to prove that America is divided today by quoting a USA Today article saying as much … from March 2004.

Later on in the article, Miner refers to CNN’s Lou Dobbs as a "Gallup competitor."

Uh, no. Dobbs is a pompous TV anchor and Gallup is, er, a polling organization.

Part Two: His Fart Will Go On

Miner wraps up his column with some Deep Thoughts on terrorism, inspired by the recent British bombings. The media’s constant references to the Brit’s allegedly stiff upper lips gets him thinking about his own fair city – and, in a narcissistic aside, his own mortality:

"If and when terror strikes Chicago, the corpses – yours and mine perhaps – will be carted away. But as the BBC will undoubtedly assure its audiences, Chicago – the city that burned to the ground in 1871 and sprang back up more pugnacious than ever – will go on."

Chicago will go on. Even if Miner himself is blown to tiny little bits, Chicago WILL GO ON!

Cue Celine Dion. And, for God’s sake, plug your ears.

2 Comments:

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1:07 PM  
Blogger OzzyC said...

It's not just the Reader that sucks, it's the media in general. They're all more concerned about getting the story first than they are about getting the story right. They'll quote anonymous pseudo-sources, as long as it backs up their pre-conceived biases, and they're more interested in saying "Believe me, I'm a journalist" than they are in actually being credible. As far as I'm concerned, the overwhelming majority of large-media "journalists," whether TV or print, are no better than the politicians they're secretly sleeping with.

2:09 PM  

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